i'll be 27 in two days.

you'd think i'd be a little more responsible with this blogging thing. truth is, too much shit hit the proverbial fan and i couldn't figure out how to translate it into proper words. i basically just sat around for two months making grunting noises and eating pastries.
i think i'm back to normal. as much as i can be, anyway. i'm starting to feel witty and funny again and somewhat attractive to the opposite sex. i still hate my wardrobe. i hate my bank account more for not affording me the ability to improve upon the wardrobe that i hate. i'm still too afraid to let myself be alone, meaning i'm still stuck in a dead-end relationship with an absolute mess who is addicted to opiates and doesn't love me for who i really am. i still don't feel like i've done enough dancing to make up for the three months i spent hiding indoors. i'm still trying to figure out how to get home after work and get things done as opposed to falling asleep on the couch at 6pm.
i've spent the past two weekends with eric. yes, i'm naming names. i was feeling unloved and under-appreciated so i went back to the one with the fear of commitment except when it comes to blondes and i drank champagne with him and ate pizza and he told me that he loved me over and over again. we danced around in our underwear and slept in the afternoons and we told everyone that we were getting married someday and i left smiling.
finally, i'm starting to feel like myself again.
i know eric will spend this week bedding a few different girls; most of them familiar. and i'll go back to my side of the bed in the house with the dog and my toothbrush and the sink full of dishes and my wardrobe that i hate in bags all over the floor. but at least, for my birthday, i'll feel beautiful and appreciated and somewhat more like the person i used to be before unhappiness set in.
i'll probably spend next weekend with him, too.

yikes.

Megan and I are starting a new Halloween costume line as a form of protest. There are far too many sexy costume lines and they're all getting a bit ridiculous. Today, i saw a sexy candy corn costume. And a sexy bullfighter. What the hoot.


Sexy Band-Aid
Sexy Booger
Sexy Pee Wee Herman
Sexy Baby
Sexy Stork delivering babies
Sexy Midwife
Sexy iPod
Sexy Suffragette
Sexy Richard Nixon
Sexy George W.
Sexy Hillary Clinton
Sexy Winnie the Pooh
Sexy Paddington

We are kicking ass at this one. All we need is some start-up capital….

Megan Jackson
Client Associate
Barney & Barney LLC
-----Original Message-----From: Wheeler, Misty [mailto:mwheeler@ucsd.edu] Sent: Friday, October 10, 2008 4:32 PMTo: Megan JacksonSubject: RE: Costumes

Sexy Pizza Slice
Sexy Milk Carton
Sexy Hitler
Sexy Exterminator
Sexy Hang Glider
Sexy Felix the Cat
The Sexy Lollipop Guild
Sexy Teletubby
Sexy Switchboard Operator
Sexy Phone Booth


Seriously, I think we’re going to make a killing here. We’re loaded with ideas.

From: Megan Jackson [mailto:meganj@barneyandbarney.com] Sent: Friday, October 10, 2008 4:26 PMTo: Wheeler, MistySubject: RE: Costumes

Sexy Vulture
Sexy Porky Pig
Sexy Elmer Fudd
Sexy Liberace
Sexy Beethoven
Sexy Oreo
Sexy Gilligan
Sexy Taco (that poops ice cream?)
Sexy Used Condom
Sexy Charles Manson
Sexy Cousin Itt


Megan Jackson
Client Associate
Barney & Barney LLC
-----Original Message-----From: Wheeler, Misty [mailto:mwheeler@ucsd.edu] Sent: Friday, October 10, 2008 4:19 PMTo: Megan JacksonSubject: RE: Costumes

Sexy Pickle
Sexy Sock Monkey
Sexy Houseplant
Sexy Fire Hydrant
Sexy Stenographer
Sexy Donald Duck
Three Sexy Stooges
Sexy Soccer Mom
Sexy Cupcake



From: Megan Jackson [mailto:meganj@barneyandbarney.com] Sent: Friday, October 10, 2008 4:15 PMTo: Wheeler, MistySubject: RE: Costumes

Sexy Refugee!!!
Sexy Cancer Patient
Sexy Homeless Person
Sexy Kid Sister/My Buddy
Sexy Garbage Pail Kids
Sexy Child Molester
Sexy Telemarketer
Sexy Martha Stewart
Sexy Big Bird
Sexy Elmo
Sexy Insurance Salesman (heh.)
Sexy Maytag Repairman
Sexy Wilford Brimley
Sexy Bill Cosby

Megan Jackson
Client Associate
Barney & Barney LLC
-----Original Message-----From: Wheeler, Misty [mailto:mwheeler@ucsd.edu] Sent: Friday, October 10, 2008 4:08 PMTo: Megan JacksonSubject: RE: Costumes

The Sexy Alamo might be my new favorite thing ever

I’m adding this to my blog as it is the most hilarious email in the world. Please include your original ideas in your next reply. Do not forget my favorite, Sexy Refugee.

Sexy Train Conductor
Sexy Richard Simmons
Sexy Brangelina’s Twins
Sexy Zonkey
Sexy Whoopi Goldberg
Sexy Quaker
Sexy Willow
Sexy Rubber Ducky



From: Megan Jackson [mailto:meganj@barneyandbarney.com] Sent: Friday, October 10, 2008 4:03 PMTo: Wheeler, MistySubject: RE: Costumes

Sexy Chicken Wing
Sexy Hot Dog on a Stick employee
Sexy Tick
Sexy Monster Truck
The Sexy Alamo
Sexy Twin Towers (ooh, too soon?)
Sexy Jerry Seinfeld
Sexy T-Rex


Megan Jackson
Client Associate
Barney & Barney LLC
-----Original Message-----From: Wheeler, Misty [mailto:mwheeler@ucsd.edu] Sent: Friday, October 10, 2008 3:59 PMTo: Megan JacksonSubject: Costumes

Sexy Ben Franklin
Sexy The Beatles
Sexy Moses
Sexy Queen Mother
Sexy stapler
Sexy seagull
Sexy thimble
Sexy potato

4:24pm, Thursday, October 2, 2008

This is the longest day in the history of the world.

i apologize for my noticeable (or not) absence from the blogging world. m.e. demanded more entries. i have been feeling a bit uninspired as of late, so i'm sorry if this isn't as hilarious as you all know i am capable of being. when i say "you all" i mean both of you, m.e. and megan.
when it rains it pours and when it pains it roars and all of the above appear to be happening to me all at the same time. with the exception of course of actual rain which would be welcomed with open arms because i'm tired of discovering new places on my body that accumulate sweat during a 45 minute lunch break to target. anyway, there's a lot of shit going down. and no, i won't get into it. if you're close enough to me, you know, and if you don't know, i haven't told you for a reason. most likely just to spare you. you can thank me later.

so, i'm alive. i'm stuck here in this office for another 30 minutes and after completing 4 "easy" sudoku puzzles in 45 minutes (shut up) i've decided to pay the cleverly named blog site a visit.
i'm listening to 60's hippie rock on pandora and i'm not ashamed. and i've eaten a bag and a half of gummy bears since 10am. and not much else. goldfish crackers. i love goldfish crackers. i've been craving a corn dog for an upwards of 3 weeks now. there are apparently some in the cleary's freezer, but driving to encinitas for a corn dog might make me look fat.

i haven't done any actual work today, which is not so good because i have deadlines from last week that i still haven't met. considering burning this mother down, damning the man, and setting my bra ablaze just to prove a point. screw you, job.

funny texts from drunk friends:

"i miss you misry w. can i meet up with the lyrics?"

"if u come to the damce party i'll buy you tacos at the jackn th e box"

"i'm at ra by myself wasted as fuk! i got2 go home. i'l call a cab, fuck cabs i'll walk i'm mexican. fuk san dieg! i'm mexican!"

"if u give me whiskey imma bang her out but u gotta give her a ride home stupid"

"man up dickbag dr. weber gave me more vicodin he's shexy. i have to poo"


i love my friends.

i'm sneaking out early. it's 4:43pm and i can't take anymore.
i promise i won't be a stranger.

lovelovelove.

rawhead and bloodybones

listening to siouxsie makes me horny. i should probably stop listening to siouxsie at work.

things that i think are awesome, pt. 1

it's been a tradition as of late that when megan, m.e. and i get bored at work, we email lists to one another. any kind of list. something to kick the brain into gear on those days when we're a little slow on the uptake; a workout for our sarcasm centers and a little reminder of how hilarious we are. even if only in our own minds.
today, i am not feeling witty. so instead of making a list of painful dental procedures i'd rather be enduring instead of sitting in my office, or reasons why i think my hairdresser should go to hell, or all of the guys i've slept with and run into at the same bar in one night, i'm making the first list in a series of lists of things that make me happy.
take that, universe.

1. once in the not-so-distant past, megan and i tried to pull a mattress out from behind my couch (don't ask what it was doing there - those details are not important) and we were wasted and couldn't lift the damn thing off the ground and i accidentally ripped the tag off of the mattress and megan told me i was going to jail.
2. taking naps in the sunshine. preferably in a park. preferably with no children. dogs are ok.
3. saying "you got guttenburged". i actually have yet to say it, but when i do, it's gonna rock your socks off.
4. listening to r&b with duane hooper. no explanation needed. if you saw how this boy smiles when r. kelly comes on, you'd never want for anything more in your life. except for maybe more r. kelly.
5. bubble wrap
6. reading emails that m.e. sends that give me the best visual pictures of exactly what she's doing. for example, "Now I'm putting a hurting on a bag of carmel corn flavored ricecakes. I'm almost down to the last cake...I'll probably dump the crumbs all over my face." that shit makes me happy for real.
7. shopping at target for shit i don't and won't need in a million years.
8. good ol' fashioned flirting. so fun.
9. jeff buckley's "hallelujah". i don't need to say anything about this song. it's made of pure magic.
10. not exercising
11. champagne
12. getting letters in the mail - and let me just state for the record, i haven't gotten one in almost 8 years. so somebody needs to get on it.
13. george harrison
14. the hat company sign i bought from the antique store that's hanging in my bathroom. megan - you know the one.
15. saturday mornings
16. brian's breakfast at lunch time
17. gareth listening to "buffalo stance" on loop in oakland for an entire weekend.
18. post-it notes. dangerous love affair.
19. having a clean bathtub
20. impromptu dance parties with steve-o, sean, jamie and nikki
21. liquid eyeliner
22. burnt rancheria campgrounds
23. theme parties at dan reed's house in the boondocks
24. making mimi laugh until she cries and breaks a sweat. i know it sounds mean, but it's actually quite excellent. her laugh is contagious.
25. recalling outfits of the past with megan
26. "lola" by the kinks
27. the suspension bridge at night
28. geo's shoe collection
29. drums
30. greek island cafe at seaport


ok. i think that's sufficient for the time being. i promise sometime soon i'll be back to write something of significance that doesn't involve making a list. but dig this anyway. i'm smiling.

rats on snack attack

1. 1 Special K peaches and something breakfast bar
2. giant tupperware container of crackers and cheese
3. 2 cups of decaf (i kicked caffeine exactly 15 days ago. it's going really well except for that part where i can't stay awake at work and i twitch a lot.)
4. 1/2 package of Ballerina cookies that i bought at ikea (see yesterday's post)
5. 1 slice of pepperoni pizza - cold - out of my fridge
6. 1 bag of Kellog's Fruity Snacks, not to be confused with the OG Fruit Snacks, which were actually much more delicious.
7. 1 cup of regular coffee (screw you. i'm weak.)
8. 2 Otter Pops
9. 1 small salad leftover from lunch meeting
10. 1/2 of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
11. 1/3 container of Dibs that i stole from someone out of the work freezer
12. 1 Pepsi
13. 1 more slice of pizza - also leftover from the work meeting
14. remainder of the Ballerina cookies

it is now 2:30 and i can't sit upright in my chair. i'm also wondering if i should eat the other half of the pb&j, or save it for my inevitable 3pm fix. hmm.

Rogue Monkey Eludes Police Dragnet At Tokyo Train Station

i'm not going to lie - there's not an inch of my body or mind that feels like being creative today, so i'm definitely cutting and pasting old entries from my livejournal account from 2004 to 2006. feel free to have a laugh. or a cry. whatever hits you first.

i wrote this one about paul - 12.17.04:

i drank too much lastnight. [again.]
fell asleep around 4.
you were with me, in dreams - calling me 'baby' with your head on my chest
looking up at me with lying eyes
warm hands
and a criminal heart.
everything i never wanted you to be.
"baby, lets make love tonight
lay down beside me
turn out the light,"
and i did
and we did
and it was as good as real.
i woke up late today
minutes after noon
still drunk[less fun]
knowing that i hadn't paid my bills
or painted my toenails.
knowing that i still hadn't heard from you.

when the light comes through my window
and the wine leaves my head
i'll need a better reason
to lie in this bed.

this one was for dan - 2.17.05:

i have to believe death is fair enough
because nothing else these days is.
my life is overflowing with downsides
and long lines
empty gas tanks, filled prescriptions,
disappearing acts, and more recently
lovestrucksuckerpunches.
i dig my nails into affection as if it were some type of solution.
i let myself become a comfort
a company that you climb into
and i pretend that i don't think it odd in the least
that you've kissed the very core of me
yet
you don't know my last name.
truthfully, this is not something that i do.
i wake up weak
but full of purpose every morning.
i drink a cup of coffee
smoke
i stand in the shower for 25 minutes and list every reason why
i should never be someone's somebody
i think about covering my body with new clothes, shiny jewelry,
tattoos.
anything but shared bedsheets and a lover.
yet here i am -
thinking of you too often
aching to speak my next words into your ears.
wanting your arms
and your eyelashes
and every last one of your fears.
i wish it didn't take so much out of me
to give to you.

for dan again - 2.11.05

boy
i want to call you
when its raining outside.
i want to tangle with you
beneath blankets of heartbeat and anticipation
curl up to the heat of your breath on my skin.
i want your voice to sing me into sweet submission
until your words melt into whispers;
and when i let you in
beautiful boy
i'll
scream
you
out.
i want to kiss your lips
wrists
hips
as though we're drowning in this flood.
let the rain pour in through doors and windows
and we'll float right here until morning.
this downfall is making my body so restless
and i sure could use some love here in my void.
so put the needle on the record, baby,
and clear a path for me through these showers.
i'm coming over to be the kitten at your feet.

pre-ambien - 1.30.05

this lack of sleep is enough to convince me to get in my car and cross that fucking border to pick up some cheap pills. i can't settle down to save my life and this ceiling isn't much to stare at-especially when no one's on top. i'm starting to rethink taking the TV out of my room. not that i'd watch it, but the shadows it casts on the walls sometimes scare me into sweet dreams. i need a glass of pinot noir
and a really good bedtime story.

for paul and the first time he said "i love you" - 11.5.05

last night
i slept next to a man
who never got around to loving me.
not that he didn't want to -
i suppose he just didn't have the time.
for 4 years
i knew nothing else but loving him.
i didn't tell him until the 3rd year,
and by then, i loved him so deeply
that it consumed all of me
and there was nothing left for anyone else to know.
last night
i slept next to the man who waited until the 4th year
to return the favor,
and followed it with 6 months
of
not another
word.
i know now
he only said it
because he thought i was asleep.

because sebastian was an idiot in high school english - 1.13.06

with baited breath
i waited.
love
a hook on the tip of my tongue.
i cast my line into the deepest of oceans
and all i caught

was a selfish.





anywho...i'm gonna get back to work for the time being.
hopefully tomorrow i'll have something more original to say. cross your fingers.

oh, and in other news, i just spent a boatload of scrilla at ikea and i have no idea what i bought. i think there may have been a picture frame involved. or maybe it was a mirror. whatever it is, it's in the trunk of my car and i can't wait to take it home and figure out how to adhere it to the wall.
score.