i wrote this one about paul - 12.17.04:
i drank too much lastnight. [again.]
fell asleep around 4.
you were with me, in dreams - calling me 'baby' with your head on my chest
looking up at me with lying eyes
warm hands
and a criminal heart.
everything i never wanted you to be.
"baby, lets make love tonight
lay down beside me
turn out the light,"
and i did
and we did
and it was as good as real.
i woke up late today
minutes after noon
still drunk[less fun]
knowing that i hadn't paid my bills
or painted my toenails.
knowing that i still hadn't heard from you.
when the light comes through my window
and the wine leaves my head
i'll need a better reason
to lie in this bed.
this one was for dan - 2.17.05:
i have to believe death is fair enough
because nothing else these days is.
my life is overflowing with downsides
and long lines
empty gas tanks, filled prescriptions,
disappearing acts, and more recently
lovestrucksuckerpunches.
i dig my nails into affection as if it were some type of solution.
i let myself become a comfort
a company that you climb into
and i pretend that i don't think it odd in the least
that you've kissed the very core of me
yet
you don't know my last name.
truthfully, this is not something that i do.
i wake up weak
but full of purpose every morning.
i drink a cup of coffee
smoke
i stand in the shower for 25 minutes and list every reason why
i should never be someone's somebody
i think about covering my body with new clothes, shiny jewelry,
tattoos.
anything but shared bedsheets and a lover.
yet here i am -
thinking of you too often
aching to speak my next words into your ears.
wanting your arms
and your eyelashes
and every last one of your fears.
i wish it didn't take so much out of me
to give to you.
for dan again - 2.11.05
boy
i want to call you
when its raining outside.
i want to tangle with you
beneath blankets of heartbeat and anticipation
curl up to the heat of your breath on my skin.
i want your voice to sing me into sweet submission
until your words melt into whispers;
and when i let you in
beautiful boy
i'll
scream
you
out.
i want to kiss your lips
wrists
hips
as though we're drowning in this flood.
let the rain pour in through doors and windows
and we'll float right here until morning.
this downfall is making my body so restless
and i sure could use some love here in my void.
so put the needle on the record, baby,
and clear a path for me through these showers.
i'm coming over to be the kitten at your feet.
pre-ambien - 1.30.05
this lack of sleep is enough to convince me to get in my car and cross that fucking border to pick up some cheap pills. i can't settle down to save my life and this ceiling isn't much to stare at-especially when no one's on top. i'm starting to rethink taking the TV out of my room. not that i'd watch it, but the shadows it casts on the walls sometimes scare me into sweet dreams. i need a glass of pinot noir
and a really good bedtime story.
for paul and the first time he said "i love you" - 11.5.05
last night
i slept next to a man
who never got around to loving me.
not that he didn't want to -
i suppose he just didn't have the time.
for 4 years
i knew nothing else but loving him.
i didn't tell him until the 3rd year,
and by then, i loved him so deeply
that it consumed all of me
and there was nothing left for anyone else to know.
last night
i slept next to the man who waited until the 4th year
to return the favor,
and followed it with 6 months
of
not another
word.
i know now
he only said it
because he thought i was asleep.
because sebastian was an idiot in high school english - 1.13.06
with baited breath
i waited.
love
a hook on the tip of my tongue.
i cast my line into the deepest of oceans
and all i caught
was a selfish.
anywho...i'm gonna get back to work for the time being.
hopefully tomorrow i'll have something more original to say. cross your fingers.
oh, and in other news, i just spent a boatload of scrilla at ikea and i have no idea what i bought. i think there may have been a picture frame involved. or maybe it was a mirror. whatever it is, it's in the trunk of my car and i can't wait to take it home and figure out how to adhere it to the wall.
score.
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